Erik's Writings

A movie is a dangerous place to find yourself; lots of people die in movies. On the other hand, if you are one of the good guys that survive, you can probably be assured a handsome reward. So being in a movie is a bit of a mixed blessing.

Once you realize that it's a movie you're living in (and that's no easy task, mind you), the first order of business is to figure out the genre. What might get you through an action flick probably won't work in a horror movie, and will certainly get you into trouble in a drama. Some genres are easier to survive than others. For instance, if you find yourself in a Disney movie, there's not much you can do to get yourself killed. However, if it's Shakespeare, about all you can do is get on your knees and pray that it's a comedy.

Horror films are pretty easy to make it through, just be sensible. Be careful, don't have sex, don't run into the woods in your underwear, and try not to be too much of a jerk or an idiot. It helps if you can get yourself played by an actor or actress with the last name Campbell. I'm not quite sure how one goes about doing that, but Bruce and Neve have survived a trilogy apiece, so it can't hurt.

If it's an independent film or a drama, there isn't much you can do to help yourself out. Conversely, it's difficult to die in a standard comedy. God help you if it's a black comedy. But the place where you can really clean up is your good old action flick, and so that's what I'm going to concentrate on this month.

It's important to identify all the traditional roles in the plot, especially the one that _you_ are playing. You need to find the hero and his small group of friends as well as the villain and his minions. If you _are_ the hero, then all you need to do is avoid putting yourself in a martyr situation. As long as you never give up and never undertake any activity with a 0% chance of survival, you should make it through alive. If you're working with a one-in-a-million plan, you should say things like "I know we can do this!" rather than "We may not make it out alive..." Certainly the plan will succeed in either case, but you might not make it out of the second one.

If you're not a major character, you need to raise your status as high as possible. Do something to get yourself noticed. If you don't have a name, you're tempting fate. Of course, having a name doesn't secure your survival, but it's the first step. For a good guy, this can be relatively easy, but for a minion, this can be quite difficult. In order to raise your probability of survival as a bad guy, you need to defect. Under no circumstances should you kill anyone under orders. You want to turn yourself over to the good guys as soon as possible, but not before you have some useful information. If you defect without good info, you'll probably have to risk your life in order to prove that you really have had a change of heart. That's a good way to get yourself killed. If the hero takes you down but doesn't kill you, take that opportunity to sneak away and live to fight another day. Don't try to sneak up on him because you'll end up dead, even if you do succeed in taking the hero out.

The hero's second girlfriend almost always survives. The first girlfriend or wife may get killed early in the movie in order to establish a vengeance motive for the hero. So if the hero has lost a loved one already, then it's a good time to move in. The easiest way to find yourself in a romantic relationship with anyone in an action flick is to start arguing with him (or her, as the case may be). Make sure that your personalities are extremely abrasive to each other and then get yourself in a situation where you have to be together for an extended period of time. It works every time. Be careful, however; unrequited love is a one-way ticket to the afterlife of your choice.

Getting yourself kidnapped is another good idea. It might make you seem a little helpless, but if the hero's goal is to free you, you'll probably make it out relatively unscathed. Try not to get captured too early however. Wait until the hero already has established a desire for vengeance; otherwise you might end up providing that desire.

The trickiest roles to survive in are the supporting cast of people who fight with the hero. Again, try to avoid martyr situations. If somebody has to undertake a suicide mission, make sure that it's not you. Don't avoid every mission, however, or you won't be able to avoid the most important and most dangerous one during the climax. _Never_ suggest paper/rock/scissors, or drawing straws; you will be the one who loses.

Comic relief is a tool that you should use to your advantage, regardless of your position. If you start to deliver a one-liner or a bad pun, I guarantee that you'll survive long enough to finish it. This is a good thing to remember when someone has a gun pointed at your head, and all you need is a couple of seconds until someone sneaks up behind him with a crowbar. Always check the pulse of fallen bad guys. Never check the pulse of fallen good guys. Checking someone's pulse virtually guarantees that whoever you're checking is already dead.

Well that's about all the advice I've got room for in this column.