Metacolumn
Just the other day, I was talking to a friend of mine. “Ed,” I said, “I’ve got this really cool book written by Douglas Hofstadter. It’s called Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid.
There’s some really whacked out stuff in there. He’s got this one dialogue where the two main characters, Achilles and the Tortoise, find this book in which they are characters, and they start reading it, and in that book, they find another book in which they’re characters as well. They do all sorts of weird stuff like pushing and popping in and out of Escher paintings.”
Ed looked at me with one of those cryptic looks that tells me that he’s about to say something that may or may not make sense after some reflection, but that certainly won’t make sense on first hearing. He said, “Pushing and popping?”
Okay, so I don’t always judge facial expressions perfectly. I attempted to explain. “Pushing and popping between various levels.” I paused for a moment to try and be as precise as possible, not necessarily because it would make things less confusing, but because I could then blame any misunderstanding on Ed.
“Like, for example. Imagine someone’s telling a story, let’s call him Bob.”
“Why Bob?” Ed asked.
“Because I don’t know anyone named Bob. Anyway so Bob said something like ‘So there’s this guy. Let’s call him Erik.’
‘Why Erik?’ his friend George asked.
‘Because I don’t know anyone named Erik. Anyway, let me finish my story. So this guy Erik picks up this book and starts reading from it.
“Tortoise: What’s that small volume lying open over there on the desk, next to the dodecahedron and the open drawing pad?
Achilles: This one? Why, its title is Provocative Adventures of Achilles and the Tortoise Taking Place in Sundry Spots of the Globe.
Tortoise: A moderately provocative title.
Achilles: Indeed--and the adventure it’s opened to looks provocative. It’s called “Djinn and Tonic”.
Tortoise: Hmm...I wonder why. Shall we try reading it? I could take the Tortoise’s part, and you could take that of Achilles.
Achilles: I’m game. Here goes nothing...
(They begin reading “Djinn and Tonic”.)
‘(Achilles has invited the Tortoise over to see his collection of prints by his favorite artist, M.C. Escher.)
Tortoise: These are wonderful prints, Achilles.
Achilles: I knew you would enjoy seeing them. Do you have any particular favorite?’”
Erik closes the book and continues. “Anyway, that’s an example of pushing down a level. It’s a metabook. Inside the book, there is another book. There are metamovies, too, like The Purple Rose of Cairo, or The Last Action Hero. The characters actually literally push and pop their way through those movies inside of movies. I love that kind of stuff. And not just in movies. You can see the stuff in songs, paintings, just about anything.”
Ed pauses. “Paintings?”
“Yeah, paintings. Like I’ve got this one Escher print that has this hand which is drawing this hand which is drawing this other hand which is drawing yet another hand, and so on into infinity.”
“Like the Cream of Wheat box?” Ed asks. “They’ve got a picture of another box of Cream of Wheat on the first box, complete with a picture of a Cream of Wheat box on it, and so on.”
“Not quite,” Erik replies. “There are only two hands in this one. Since they each pop out of the drawing in which they exist, they can draw each other. I love that sort of stuff.”
“Sounds confusing.”
“Oh you have no idea. For instance, I bet at least one person who is reading this has forgotten that this conversation between you and I is actually being described by a fictional guy named Bob to his friend George.”’
‘Wait a minute!’ George interrupted. ‘You mean to tell me that we don’t actually exist?’
Bob smiled. ‘Well, not in the traditional sense of the word “exist”. We’re hypothetical constructs created by this guy Erik to make a point.’
‘This is making my head hurt.’ George sat down.
Bob sat down next to him. ‘Hey, don’t worry about it. There are some great advantages to being fictional.’
George looked a bit incredulous. ‘Like what?’
‘For instance, we can do things that are impossible in the real world. If Erik feels like it, he can make magic work, and you can fly or something.’
‘Really?’ George brightened up a bit.
‘If he feels like it. Here, I went to the Japanese supermarket around the corner and picked up some of this weird candy stuff. It’s called...’ He squinted as he translated the package. ‘Puushi candii. It says that you can push yourself down a level by eating this stuff.’
George stood up and took a little plastic cup containing a Jello-like substance, peeling off the container. ‘What should I push into?’
Bob picked up the remote control and turned on the television to a random channel. ‘How about Star Trek?’
‘Great. I’ll be right back.’ He lifted the candy to his mouth.
‘Wait!’ Bob shouted. ‘I’m going to go make some popcorn, so that you can get out.’
‘Right. Bring it in after me. See you in a few minutes.’ George emptied the container and crunched on the candy. ‘Weird. Crunchy.’
And he wasn’t in the living room anymore. Bob shrugged and went into the kitchen to nuke some popcorn. The TV showed the bridge of the Enterprise-D.
Lieutenant Worf’s voice came through the television’s speakers as the camera zoomed in on his face. ‘Sir, we’ve lost contact with the probe.’
Captain Picard turned to the android next to him. ‘Commander Data, I need you to run a detailed analysis of the probe’s last transmission. Maybe it will tell us something about this temporal anomaly.’
He turned to face away from the screen. ‘And Worf...’ he paused in surprise. ‘Who is that man, and what is he doing on my bridge?’
Intense, dangerous music started up as Worf pulled his phaser out and pointed it at George. Zoom in on George’s surprised face as the music reaches a crescendo.
Cut to commercial.
When the commercials ended, the camera showed Riker, Geordy, and George sitting at a table in Ten-Forward. To assure the audience that George is no longer in danger, friendly music played in the background and people could be seen laughing and drinking in the background.
Bob walked into the living room with a bag of popcorn just in time to hear Riker’s first words. ‘So you claim to be from the twentieth century?’
George still looked a little nervous. ‘Yes, but everyone seems to think that we’re already in the twenty-first. No one seems to care that it doesn’t start until next year.’
Geordy laughed. ‘Yeah, we got that at the beginning of the twenty-fourth too.’ He gestured at a glass on the table. ‘We programmed the replicator to make you a twentieth-century beverage. Soda-pop.’
George looked a bit surprised. ‘You don’t have carbonated beverages anymore?!’
Riker grinned that big huge grin that was supposed to make Fox big ratings from the women. ‘Nothing like you used to have.’
Picking up his glass, George took a dainty sip. After tasting the pop for a moment, he made a face. ‘Uck. Generic brand cola.’
And George was in the living room again, leaving a very surprised first officer with President’s Choice cola all over his lap.
George blinked. ‘Uh. What happened?’
‘I think you drank some pop, and you popped back out. Guess I made the popcorn for nothing.’
Slumping back down on the couch, George turned off the television. ‘I wonder. What would happen if we ate some of that popcorn now?’
Looking nervous, Bob held the popcorn out of George’s reach. ‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’
‘Oh, come on. What’s the worst that could happen?’ Suddenly George leapt to his feet and grabbed a piece of popcorn before Bob could stop him. ‘See you up there.’
Munch, munch. *Pop*
‘Oh, dear,’ said Bob.”
“So that’s your example of pushing and popping?” asked Ed. “Couldn’t it have been a little less complicated?”
“Sure it could have. But it’s more fun this way. Besides, I’d like to introduce you to my friend, George.”
Ed and George shook hands.
“This is really and truly surreal,” said Ed.
“So this is the real world?” asked George. “It doesn’t seem that different.”
“Well actually,” said Erik, “this is just my editorial column, but I modeled it after the real world pretty closely. Except for the part about actually being able to push and pop. That I made up.”
At this point, I’m going to have to apologize to the readers. I have to admit that I never really had this conversation with Ed. I made it all up for this column.