The BSS
I have some serious concerns that I feel need to be addressed. Our nation's law enforcement is sadly ill-equipped to deal with certain types of crimes. When it comes to your ordinary, run-of-the-mill kidnappers, murderers, thieves, terrorists, and illegal aliens, we can always turn to our local police departments, the FBI, CIA, NSA, or MIB. But when anything the slightest bit supernatural occurs, the executive branch's metaphorical hands are tied.
Can you imagine what it would be like if a S.W.A.T. team were to track down a vampire to his lair? They simply wouldn't have a chance. I'm sure not a one of them would think to bring a sonar-jammer or a vacuum cleaner.
It's a situation that could happen in any town. A police officer shows up in response to a noise violations in suburbia. Little does he know that the perpetrator is not of the drunken, partying, ostensibly collegiate, and very much alive variety, but actually a visitor from beyond. Would he know to shield his ears from the Banshee's wail?
We must face it; our men, sworn to serve and protect, are ill-equipped and ill-educated on the subject of the supernatural. The citizens of this illustrious nation are forced to turn to charlatan shamans and freelance exorcists just to get a good-night's sleep! No cop is prepared to arrest a Poltergeist on trespassing charges.
That's why I propose that the U.S. government make a new addition to the executive branch. Our men in blue and black need all the help they can get, which is why we need the BSS.
The Bureau of Supernatural Security would not only provide the necessary equipment needed to battle criminals of the other-worldly variety but also the training and personell required to keep our streets safe, even if they are built upon ancient Indian burial grounds.
Now it's vitally important that the employees of the BSS be sufficiently educated in supernatural lore. It is crucial that they know to what extent certain beings qualify as human, and thus what the full extent of their constitutional rights. Is taking down a werewolf a matter of arresting a violent criminal or capturing a rabid animal? Does a witch need to be read her Miranda Rights? Does a haunting soul maintain property rights in the afterlife? Which spirits can be classified as armed and dangerous? This is important because the use of violence cannot be condoned when apprehending a harmless ghost. What, if anything, can qualify as "lethal force" in regards to the undead?
When force is required, it is important that the members of patrolling teams be equipped with the proper supplies and be instructed in their use. Fire arms should be specially designed to take tranquilizer darts of various strengths as well as silver-coated, wood-tipped, armor-piercing, and steel ammunition. Officers should be trained in sharp-shooting and quick-draw. They may be called upon to strike a specific body-part, such as the heart, the brain, the mouth, or an eye.
Various herbs and spices, such as garlic, thyme, and sea salt should be kept in easily-accessible pouches. Some may be used to ward, some to kill, and others merely to incapacitate. Certain oils and salves may serve similar purposes. BSS officers need to be able to identify what sort of being is being dealt quickly in order to choose the appropriate ammunition and protection.
At all times BSS teams should include at least one member equipped with a flame-thrower and another with a high-power water hose. Vehicles for transporting BSS teams should be keep any equipment that is too heavy or large to be carried by members of the team.
The vehicle should have easy access to all known information on the supernatural. Important information should be also kept in a non-digital format in case of gremlin infestations or similar difficulties. Team members need to be provided with chalk and other writing utensils for the purposes of drawing symbols for the trapping of demons and other spirits. Commonly used symbols such as pentagrams should be pre-drawn on a roll-up mat for timely deployment.
All equipment should be blessed by as many non-conflicting religions as possible. If blessings from two different religions conflict or have unexpected problems, a second set of equipment should be provided. Which set will be used shall be determined by the specific circumstances of the case at hand.
While BSS teams need to be trained in the skills of supernatural lore, this does not mean that they should be any less efficient with simple physical maneuvers than other specialized enforcement teams, such as S.W.A.T. Members must be trained in martial arts, firearms, weapons combat, stealth, endurance, speed and gymnastics if they wish to keep up with beings with enhanced physical capabilities.
Every team, whether it be a standard patrol or a special group assembled for a specific task, needs to have members with a few special requirements. A religious leader of some sort should be present and equipped with the appropriate symbols of his or her belief. Such a person must have already faced and conquered a crisis of faith in the past. It is crucial that someone on the team maintain perfect faith at all points during a raid.
Members of every conceivable faith should be kept on call at all hours of the day and night. Sometimes a Catholic priest is needed to perform an excorcism, but when a clay golem starts tearing up the streets, a rabbi might be more appropriate. Priests, rabbis, voodoo shamans, Buddhist monks, and many others need to be reachable quickly, in case of an emergency.
An intelligent, over-educated skeptic should also be included on each team. It may require extra funds to recruit someone who does not believe in the supernatural, but it's worth the cost. Many supernatural abilities rely upon a specific state of mind for their illusions to work, and a healthy sense of disbelief goes a long way towards nullifying such skills. Unfortunately, skeptics need to be swapped out regularly as any good skeptic's doubt will be easily shattered by exposure to rock-solid evidence of the supernatural. If a skeptic continues to maintain his disbelief in the face of overwhelming proof, he or she should be dropped from the team _immediately_. Blind disbelief is a dangerous state of mind.
An important part of the BSS would be the research division. Much is written about the supernatural, but large quantities of the literuature are mere speculation and hearsay. It's important to discover precisely what is true and what is legend. Do vampires evaporate on contact with sunlight or is it merely painful to them? Do dopplegangers retain the memory of their originals or only the form? These are important questions that should be investigated with a scientific mind.
But we mustn't forget that the primary purpose of the BSS is law enforcement. The government must do something to curb this reign of terror that supernatural criminals have been holding over the good, law-abiding citizens of our great nation. It's time to show these unpatriotic scum that they are no longer above the laws of our government, even if they are above the laws of our universe.