Monday, May 16th, 2005 (4:17pm)
It's official: I'm crazy.
Not truly, of course. It just amuses me to say that. Surprisingly, I've been diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD. "Surprisingly" not because of the result of the diagnosis, but more because I finally went and got a diagnosis. I'm a horrible procrastinator, and I've been putting off seeing a psychiatrist for years now. As a child, it never occurred to me that I might have a mental problem that could be diagnosed and treated. I was smart and got mediocre grades, but I knew dozens of people with similar problems. It wasn't until recently that I realized that a mental health professional might know hundreds of such people. And in knowing hundreds of such people, such a person might know what sorts of tactics would be useful to us.
Ideally, that's what psychiatry should be. Person has problem. Doctor knows hundreds of people with similar problems. Person sees Doctor. Doctor explains that engaging in this sort of activity, taking this sort of medication, and being careful in these sorts of situations has helped a lot of them. Person tries the ideas. Person and Doctor discuss which work and which don't. Person's life is better for it.
Unfortunately, I know that it doesn't usually work that way. I've been prescribed drugs that are available over the counter by my primary care physician before, so I feel that sometimes a prescription is being given to make the patient feel as though something's being done. It's not a far leap to imagine that sometimes prescriptions are given for _only_ that reason, even when the drug might not be appropriate.
I've known people who have been on ADHD drugs from an early age, and some of them are definitely not the better for it. I don't want to end up with the same problems. There's no guarantee that I'll have the same problems as they did, but I definitely do not want to get hooked on a drug that's not helpful to me.
I've never been one to drink alcohol, smoke tobacco, or do any sort of illegal drug. The reason I generally give is that I don't like having my brain chemically modified and that I hate the feeling of not being in control. I'm not sure that's the primary reason I've avoided most drugs for this long, but there's something to be said for it. Having said that, I know I'm not stranger to consuming large quantities of caffeine. I've even tried to stop (sort of) to no real success (or at least no lasting success). So now they've got me on a stimulant (Adderall), and I'm a little worried that I might get hooked. I should definitely mention my concerns to my psychiatrist the next time I see her.
My psychiatrist has done nothing to make me concerned about her practices, but I've only talked to her for one 45-minute session. That's not much to go on, especially for a psychiatrist. A good psychiatrist probably doesn't show too much of her personality during a session. It really is all about the patient, after all. The session I had didn't go exactly as I'd been imagining it all these years (I've even imagined telling the psychiatrist how often I'd imagined the scenario), but then it didn't hold any true surprises either. I almost wish I didn't know as much about ADHD as I did going in to the visit. I knew that it wouldn't be considered a pathological condition unless it actually caused problems, so I made sure to include mentions of situations where there's been an obviously damaging effect (low grades due to not paying attention, missed deadlines, etc.) I knew that ADHD does not typically arise in adults without there being a problem in childhood as well, so I mentioned some events from early childhood. I have only a small worry (but still a worry) that the diagnosis would be affected by my desire to be diagnosed with ADHD.
It's not that I want to be ill in any sense, but it would be nice to have something to blame all my faults on. Perhaps even more importantly, it makes me feel like I'm dong something. I'm trying not to view this ADHD as something outside of "me" that is influencing my acts and thoughts. I need to think of it as a part of what I consider "me." It's an annoying and sometimes damaging part of me, but still me. The drugs I'm taking and the advice I'm following are ways of dealing with "me," not ways of dealing with "it." Who knows; maybe I am doing something.
It's hard to tell so far. After taking the first dose, I felt energetic and talkative. That's not so surprising, considering Adderall is a stimulant. I also got a shitload of stuff done. I put the biggest dent in my to-do list in recent history. Of course, it's also the first weekday after the semester ended (I may not actually have much more time to do stuff, but it certainly feels that way). I've been putting off everything until Monday, using the nothing's-open-on-the-weekend excuse. Maybe it just caught up with me and I didn't have any more good excuses. And I can't underestimate the influence my girlfriend has had on all the good things I've done for myself in the last year or so.
We'll see how it goes in 10 days, when I go back to see the psychiatrist.